All alone

I sincerely do not like being alone, especially in an empty, quiet house. It just leaves room for fear and that way-too familiar ache to rise in my chest, reminding me that I am thousands of miles away from my family and my so-called friends. HOUSE is a comfort (watching full episodes online is thrilling), and I have music, and my trusty books and bible, but all in all, I really hate being alone.

I was watching a movie the other day, or perhaps it was an episode of HOUSE, and I saw a woman working, taking care of her family and her profession, and it pleased me. It made me ache again and desire to work and have control again was overwhelming. So I've decided I need to sit down and write down what I want, and pray about what God wants for me.

Today I did my tax return. I'm getting quite a lump sum back (and I am so excited about it, all that money gets to go towards bills!) I can probably pay off my medical bills and that sum that I owe TCF... and maybe even have enough left over for a month of rent!

I realized why I like to read blogs. I read them because it is similar to reading a cheap pleasure novel. I get to experience different people's writing styles and peek into their lives for the five minutes that it takes to read their entry-of-the-day.

I slept at Y's last night after my drunk roommate started getting boisterous. He was pretty great, watching The Blind Side with me until three a.m., pausing it every few minutes to explain something to me or break into some story, and waking me up this morning with Nutella and toast. All in all, it was pleasant to sleep in a house with people, to wake up to people, and to be brought home to a quiet home.

Then I took a nap, did my taxes, organized papers, took a shower, did laundry, and watched House. Productive... but lonely.

What I want is a balance of productive and un-lonely. I want to learn, but am tired of doing it alone. I want to be productive, working out and getting ahead in my life, but I want to share the experience with a person rather than going about it on my own. I have been going about things on my own since I was 16... and I just want that part to be over. I want the experience to be shared, and shared in a stable environment.

Emotions constantly wreak havoc in my life. They seem like such a burden half the time when, in my mind, I know that they're a gift, and when they're treated properly, they're quite wonderful. I still feel overwhelmed by them half the time.

Who I am: Part time 19-year old girl, bouncing around from state to state, working jobs to hopefully pay rent, buy food, and pay bills. Emotional rollercoaster.

What I do: sleep, blog, attempt to work out, go on the internet, clean house, occassionally read a book, go places with Y and the occassional friend.

What I want to do: work out, read, run, do my own thing, meet people, clean house, be responsible.

How I get there: do one thing each day that brings me towards that goal and away from the bad habits that are currently defining me now. :)